a question
No matter where I go in life, and what I do, there’s one thing that I can always count on never to change. That’s right, custard creams.
They’re always the same! No matter which supermarket you get them from or which manufacturer makes them, they’ve always got that squiggly pattern on them, and the diamond surrounding the words custard cream. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but I’m curious as to why this is, to my knowledge, the only universally identical biscuit.
Can any of you offer any assistance on this point? Why are the regulations for making Custard Creams so tight?
Ina said,
December 24, 2006 @ 4:12 am
Why are all your entries about food in some form?
Frank Monea said,
December 31, 2006 @ 12:10 pm
I cannot give assistance as I have never had nor seen a Custard Cream before. What do they taste like? Do they have nuts in them? From the picture, it looks similar to a bird’s eye view of a Roman ruin, the Colliseum perhaps? Also, the size of this biscuit is amazing! How do you eat such a huge snack? From the shadow it has cast it looks to be about three feet tall.
Reply. Please.
Frank
P.S. Ina you are an idiot. Just recently Tom wrote an interesting, if distressing, article on his contemplating suicide.
Frank Monea said,
December 31, 2006 @ 12:25 pm
Merry Christmas!
Frank Monea.
Care to pull a cracker? I’d love to meet you.
STOP THE PRESSES (on your keyboard!)!
Here’s a story about Christmas pantos, entitled ‘Pant, oh Mime!’
What is it about Christmas pantos? I hate them! Especially the character called widow Twanky, the transvestite who seems to pop up in all of them, even pop-out in one recently! I just don’t understand them! I saw Sleeping Beauty recently. It was rubbish! I also saw Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It was rubbish! Also, Peter Pan with Danny La Rue. It was great! It was really funny and I’d highly recommend it to you, but that was the only one. I also saw Dick Whittington. It was rubbish! It was honestly really bad, his cat was bigger than the title Character. How can that be possible? I wil be glad when this seasons over and I can watch proper shows such as ‘Mamma Mia!’
Tom-You can use this as your only story if you want to. I’d love to be credited somewhere though. Maybe ‘Tom Milsom and Frank Monea’, so that it looks like we’ve written it together but the creditation was in alphabetical order.
Thanks, Frank Monea.
Frank Monea said,
December 31, 2006 @ 12:28 pm
Sorry, Tom! I made a few spelling errors. Here’s the edited version.
‘Pant, oh mime!’
What is it about Christmas pantos? I hate them! Especially the character called widow Twanky, the transvestite who seems to pop up in all of them, even pop-out in one recently! I just don’t understand them! I saw Sleeping Beauty recently. It was rubbish! I also saw Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It was rubbish! Also, Peter Pan with Danny La Rue. It was great! It was really funny and I’d highly recommend it to you, but that was the only one. I also saw Dick Whittington. It was rubbish! It was honestly really bad, his cat was bigger than the title Character. How can that be possible? I will be glad when this seasons over and I can watch proper shows such as ‘Mamma Mia!’
Cheers,
Frank
(This would be a great story for the end of the Christmas period)
Tom said,
January 3, 2007 @ 3:45 pm
this is very true. I hadn’t noticed. I shall have to write something about other things that I do. eg; sleep. That’s it, really. Hm.
Frank Monea said,
January 9, 2007 @ 7:39 pm
Tom?
It’s Frank.
You haven’t yet had a chance to respond to my posts.
Thanks,
Frank
Andy said,
January 12, 2007 @ 6:42 pm
Tom, sorry, but it’s bugging me. It’s ‘iniMportant’, not ‘unInportant’.
:)
Frank Monea said,
January 31, 2007 @ 6:51 pm
I can’t comment on ‘nothing’ Tom!
MORE STORIES!
Frank M(onea)
P.S. Andy, I think Tom was being ironic, not moronic!
P.S. P.S. Tom, I’ve written a song which I think you’ll enjoy. It’s all about your site!
Tom’s Song (To the tune of ‘Rightfully Yours’ by Humphrey Forgers)
———- (I couldn’t underline it, so I had to use dashes)
Tom has a site which is named after him,
He is so cool and his friends call him Tim*
I stumbled upon it and have been drawn in,
I’m Frank Monea and I live in a bin**!!!
First he wrote his first post in July,
Then he wrote about Mark Steele and Suicide!
Finally lime cordial and custard creams.
*Apologies, I struggled to find a rhyme (What do your friends call you?)
**Not strictly true, but I thought that it was too good a gag not to use!
Please write back. Cheers. Frank.
Andy said,
February 3, 2007 @ 10:16 pm
Cheers Frank. In what way exactly is it ironic?
Frank Monea said,
February 15, 2007 @ 5:16 pm
Andy?
I was actually directing my comment to Tom, but since you’re a newcomer I’ll answer your question.
The irony stemmed from the fact that Tom had recently written a witty ‘blog’ on ‘Spelling Mistakes’. The spelling mistake ‘unInportant’ was a reference back to that ‘blog’.
Nice to see that I share your sense of humour, eh Tom!
Frank
Frank Monea said,
February 15, 2007 @ 5:24 pm
Tom,
I’ve recently written some poetry and I hope you don’t mind if I use this site as a chance to get it to a wider readership. These are taking from my seriews of poems called ‘Seasons’. I hope you like them!
On a Rainy Day
————-
On a rainy Day,
You’d come and stay,
Oh why is it not raining?
You say ‘okay’
Then I say ‘yay’
And subsequently stop complaining.
Sunny Day
——–
Once it was a Sunny Day,
I said ‘why is it Sunny, it’s May!’
I go that way, then shout hooray,
As I suddenly realise it’s raining!
Thanks,
F. Monea
Ina said,
February 25, 2007 @ 10:48 pm
Frank: Hmm, I can’t seem to find this “article” you speak of. Don’t get up in my grill, please.
Frank Monea said,
March 3, 2007 @ 11:02 am
Ina, put your glasses on!!! Four-eyes!!!
Seriously, for someone who counts themselves as a commentator on this website, I think that you should be reading the blogs more properly.
I know your type. Your the type of person who, instead of standing up for an elderly woman on the bus, you push her onto the flaw her and abuse her with such names as ‘hag-toothed bimbo’. Product of peer pressure.
Andy might accept your type but I don’t, allright?
Yours (out of politeness),
Frank
P.S. The ‘ARTICLE’ I was referring to is in the archive for September, 2006.
P.S.S. Tom, PLEASE write more comments! I’m sick of having to ward off your critics/confused fans.
Frank Monea said,
March 3, 2007 @ 11:08 am
Apologies, in my haste I made a few spelling errors whilst correcting Ina.
It is supposed to read ‘’…push her onto the FLOOR and abuse her…’
I think I still get my point accross nicely though.
F. Monea
TOPIC FOR DISCUSSION: ‘Digital Televisions All Round For 2008′
Frank Monea said,
March 3, 2007 @ 11:25 am
Hey, has anyone wondered what ‘INA’ stands for?
I-Idiotic
N-Nasty
A-Agitator
OR
I-Intelligence
N-Not
A-Available
‘FRANK’?
F-Forever
R-Readers
A-And
N-Newcomers’
K-King
‘ANDY’?
A-Another
N-Newcomer
D-Degrading
Y-You (Tom)
‘Keith’?
K-Keiht is
E-Excels (above)
I-Ina (as)
T-Tom’s
H-Hero
‘TOM’?
T-Total
O-Overall (Nice/Intelligent)
M-Man
Thanks. Frank.
P.S. Keith was allright. Where’s he gone now? He seems to have been replaced by a pair of idiots.
Frank Monea said,
March 3, 2007 @ 11:27 am
I think I’ll do Keith’s again…
K-Keith
E-Exceeds
I-Ina (as)
T-Tom’s
H-Hero
Sorry about that! It won’t happen again. Promise
Frank M.
Frank Monea said,
March 10, 2007 @ 11:51 am
That shut them up.
I think it’s just you, me and Keith now, Tom.
F.Monea
Ina said,
March 22, 2007 @ 10:36 pm
Dangs. I don’t like getting a stranger’s piss in my face. I don’t even KNOW you, Frank-Person. Seriously? Dang.
That’s no way to talk to a fellow human being. No way to treat a girl, at that.
Is this guy your FRIEND, Tom?
Frank Monea said,
March 23, 2007 @ 12:30 pm
Ina,
It must be some other stranger’s ‘piss’ as, even if you were dying of thirst, I would refuse to ‘piss’ in your face.
What’s in a name?
F. Monea (Please do not refer to me as Frank, Ina)
P.S. Please keep control of your CAPSLOCK!
P.S.S. I don’t know whether I am/would be Tom’s friend, though I’m sure he’d like me more than you (and Andy).
Frank Monea said,
April 9, 2007 @ 2:13 pm
Dear All,
On behalf of Tom, I’d just like to say…
…HAPPY EASTER!
Frank M.
Rhian said,
April 19, 2007 @ 6:16 pm
Why is there so much bickering on your blog, Tom? I mean, get a grip on your friends! Tell them to have their petty arguments elsewhere and stop tarnishing your blog
Speaking of your blog, I’M BORED you haven’t updated it for about fifty million years it would appear. Or four months. But oh how I love to exaggerate. For me, it puts the fun back in my life. Which got taken out by Frank and Ina. Just to clarify.
So basically, sort your blog out and sort your friends out. Apart from me - I’m legendary already ta
RHIAN xxx
P.S. Frank - if you’re going to lecture people about spelling then please stop putting “allright” - it’s aLright with one L. I don’t want to start an argument or anything. It’s just that hypocrisy burns my eyes away.
Ina said,
April 21, 2007 @ 2:05 am
I can be obnoxious!
LOLZ LET’S GO MAKE OUT OMG.
Whatever.
I’m make you muffins or something, Mr. Monea.
Frank Monea said,
April 29, 2007 @ 3:11 pm
Dear* Ina,
I appreciate your, ahem, ‘kind’ offer. Though I am still bewildered by your use of the English language. Having been through two of my Concise Oxford Dictionaries (one pocket-sized, the other the same size as your average briefcase), I am yet to find the definition of the word ‘LOLZ’. Perhaps it is text-speak for ‘Lives of Old Limp Zebras’. Please enlighten me further on the subject.
F. Monea
P.S. My wife is slightly upset by your advances. I am in a similar situation. Please refrain from these asides or I will personally have you blocked from this site!
*I mean that ironically
Ina said,
April 29, 2007 @ 11:56 pm
‘Lives of Old Limp Zebras’ is EXACTLY what I was referring to. I am so glad you caught on quickly.
Also, the “LETS GO MAKE OUT OMG” is an acronym for “Loads of Exciting Tree Stands, Greatly Obnoxious, Maybe A Killer Erratic, Or Use Tampons, Oh My Golly!” It’s a bit of a run-on, I know, but it’s used quite often in normal dialog.
I do make wild muffins, sir. I tell no lies.
Frank Monea said,
May 1, 2007 @ 6:54 pm
Ina,
Thank you for decreasing your already pea-sized level of dignity. If sarcasm was meant to be used by Americans then God would not have made the majority of you so ubnoxious*. My wife is particularly offended by your use of the word ‘Tampons’. Shouldn’t you spend your time writing to papers such as ‘The Sun’, rather than wasting the time of us intellectuals?
Now, hopefully we can get back to the present topic of ‘Custard Creams’ I tried one for the first time recently. Bitter disappointment (to my sweet tooth).
Let’s update this blog then, eh Tom?
Frank Monea
*I am not being racist, I have American friends. Who incidentally share my view.
Frank Monea said,
May 1, 2007 @ 6:58 pm
Tom,
Here’s a queston for you…
Where has papaspapaspapas gone?
He was never half as good a writer as you, though his disappearance doesn’t fail to perplex me.
F.Monea
NEW BLOG TOPIC: ‘The Smoking Ban’-Butting out or puffed out?
Your Thoughts, please.
Frank Monea said,
May 1, 2007 @ 7:07 pm
Tom,
This is an example of an article that I think you should write.
______________________________________________________________________________
‘The Smoking Ban’ by Frank Monea-An insight into the world of one that is constantly affected by smokers.
I was walking down my road to get stamps from my local Post Office. As I walked through passed a man doing some construction work to a house near to mine. He was smoking. He puffed out and as soon as he did so a cloud of smoke filtered towards me. I coughed, choked and spluttered. I replied by saying ‘You know, you won’t be able to do that soon, what with the smoking ban?’
At this point he threw an empty pot of noodles in my direction*. It hit me on the elbow. I continued to walk to the post office, scowling. As I was posting the letter I was reminded of the puff of smoke in my face and dropped the letter in more fiercely than usual. I took a diferent route home to avoid him.
It will be good when this sort of lot will be put behind bars for doing such things in public.
Frank M.
*I am pretty sure that it was his, though I can’t be too sure.
Ina said,
May 8, 2007 @ 12:10 am
Well, I am glad you were able to find a wife, Mr. Monea.
And yes, I must agree, tampons are a scary subject, but they are used quite often by the woman population.
Ask your wife about it.
Frank Monea said,
May 8, 2007 @ 7:51 pm
Right,
That’s your last warning.
Tom, I am afraid that this blog has been used in vain by ‘Ina’. I don’t think that’s her real name either, though she has offended me and my wife. Blopck her from the site. There are simply no other options.
F. Monea
(Retired)
Ina said,
May 10, 2007 @ 9:46 pm
OH NOES!!!!!!!
Ina said,
May 10, 2007 @ 9:47 pm
PS. Ina has your sweatshirt.
Frank Monea (actually Ina in disguise it turns out) said,
May 10, 2007 @ 9:49 pm
I\’m a twat.
Anonymous said,
May 19, 2007 @ 1:44 am
Ina, that’s really apalling. Not only did you use Frank’s name to post libellous comments about him (something that is actually illegal here and in the US), but you were also foolish enough to put YOUR OWN E-MAIL ADDRESS in the ‘e-mail’ field. Please, a little more care and attention the next time you try to pull the wool over your supposed ‘friend’s eyes.
Frank, your articles and poems are all beautiful. The fact that you have not achieved wider recognition is a great miscarriage of justice. Ignore the plebs. Rhian, on the other hand, is an intellectual whirlwind, and a force not to be trifled with.
Tom
Ina said,
May 22, 2007 @ 12:16 am
Ouch.
Sorry, I foget that I’m not amusing sometimes.
It is I who is the Twat.
Frank Monea said,
May 29, 2007 @ 9:48 am
Apology accepted.
We can see who the real sleuths are in this blog. Good work, Tom. Goodness prevails once again.
From Frank (M(onea))
P.S. Ina, it is quite obvious that I would not write that.
P.S.S. Tom, I also write limericks!!
Tom said,
May 29, 2007 @ 5:39 pm
Frank! That’s wonderful! If you were to write some and send them to me at tom@tommilsom.com, I’m sure I could put together a special article celebrating your work! Ina, that applies to you too, everybody can join in here! I’ll post the best ones in a special article soon to soonish!
Dan said,
July 22, 2007 @ 1:05 am
Dan…
Cool! Its really cool….